I had a sludgy, underwater feeling all day yesterday. It was my last day of work at the temp job I’ve had since March, and I know much of my angst was about leaving the security of regular hours and regular paychecks. I’m leaving in part because I have a lot of freelance work right now, but more so because of upcoming yoga camp. My boss couldn’t have been nicer – she said to follow my gut and invited me to call her when I return for a full report on what it’s like to get up at 6 am and chant and live in a dorm with a bunch of other grown-ups.
That’s still 2 weeks away, though, and for now – I’m scared. Really scared. And trying to find a way to be with it. Not to push it away with doing/doing/doing, and not to dive down into it and let it works its black magic on me. But to put it in a chair on the other side of the room and glance at it occasionally; say a friendly hey – how ya doin’ over there? Maybe even get it a glass of water. And watch it change and morph into something – perhaps – softer.
I’ve been reading my friend Jen’s blog, who is back after some non-blogging time. I really liked two exercises she’s been doing. One is to take a daily picture of herself via the computer. As someone who is currently REALLY struggling with my appearance — I turn 44 tomorrow, and let me tell you, there’s pretty much nothing I like about my physical self at this moment, unless maybe I count my calves and the shape of my nose — I’m going to embrace this and see if I can find some softness for my physical self. I also liked this writing exercise she did, and thought I’d copy it wholesale, albeit with my answers.
There’s pretty much nothing I like about my physical self at this moment, unless maybe I count my calves and the shape of my nose.
So on the 364th day of My Birth Year, with two beautiful kids, with no solid job, with a gorgeous and giving partner, with shelter over my head – albeit a seemingly rotting one, with a supportive family and friends, and a leafy little town in which to live…. I ponder.
Things I don’t know yet (except, of course, when I do)
how to accept
how to love myself
how it will all turn out
when is the right time
how to hold on to myself and my inner calm when my son is having a tantrum
how to be most effective and useful to my daughter when she is in a sensitive space
when my dog will die … though probably soon-ish — but define “ish”?
Things I’m learning
how to be softer
how to take my time
how to have faith
how to just be with another person, rather than do for him or her
how to listen more/better
Things i’m wishing for
a job I can say without hesitation that I love and believe in
a trimmer body
a haircut that feels sexier
solid ground between my feet (not to mention in my bank account)
a new roof
things that are getting on my nerves
fear – I’m just so f%$#ing sick of it!
kids who don’t say “thank you” (not necessarily mine)
my incipient mess
Lady Gaga and other things that pass as “culture”
BP and other giant companies who through ignorance and greed seem to be “winning”
things that scare me
faceless, powerful bureaucracies that can decide things about our lives
my children growing up too fast
getting ready to go to yoga camp
things that are making me happy
Bella’s easy hand in mine at the store last night and her sweet, easy practical self
Tobey’s ability to talk about anything
both kids reading
this weather and the promise of fresh veg and ripe peaches
getting ready to go to yoga camp
And here’s me. Here’s my almost-44 year old, just showered mug. Not so sure I like it, but I’m trying.