fire lady

"Breathing Fire" by Brian Kershisnik

The lack of time in my day, my week, my  month is astonishing. It’s mid-June until I’m seeing anything that feels like a breather. My mechanic forgot to turn my radio back on a week ago, and I haven’t managed to get back there for him to reprogram it, so I drive in silence and try to be thankful for it. The body shop guy still doesn’t have my window right. That’s been two weeks, but have I gotten there? The rain comes in a little and I try to enjoy its spray. The cat needs to go to the vet – the fleas will start soon. There’s the kale to be planted – though all this rain is giving me a pass on that.

Things are lost – the camera cord and case, the papers from the City regarding the loan, the mini cam corder. Where are they? I look wistfully for a few minutes and then my attention goes elsewhere.

I’m back to waking in the night. Staring into the darkness. “How you doing, Chief?” asks C. “Anxious,” I say, trying not to sound like Eeyore. “Yeah, I know; you’re positively radiating it.”

A new car. … Suburu, Hyundai, Nissan, Toyota…. Too much. Estimates from roofers. Seeds for the garden. The dog. Oh, yeah, the dog is dead. The dog is dead. I so miss her. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one, but I do still think she’ll be there in the morning, raising her head up from her pillow to look at me as her tail starts to thump approval at my appearance.

I have been re-reading my divorce blog and scratching my head at how wise I became through all of that. Now I’m angry again – bracing myself for rounds of my ex leaving, for his many unknowns, for the lack of back up that I so very much need right now. I can breathe anger right down into the pit of my belly, and I’m amazed flames don’t come back up. Fucking Dragon Lady, I am. But hopefully some of that wisdom is down there, too – residual from before, layering my belly with ferns and rocks from a cool creek.

Here’s a post from a year ago. Amazing the circularity.

Scared
April 28, 2010 in Uncategorized | Leave a comment (Edit)

When do we stop being scared?
Never.
How do we bear the fear?
By knowing it will always return, and that you always get through it.

Post Script: I found the above painting on line. I searched for fire, for belly, for Kali, for anger… And I eventually found this. I love what the painter, Brian Kershisnik writes:  “How splendidly human it is to practice. Everything we do is practice, if you will see it that way. This is an optimistic perspective; it suggests that the awkwardness, failure, or drudgery of our current task will, sooner or later (and probably gradually), give way to something lovely, even beautiful.” Maybe at 2:00 AM I am practicing. Maybe even my anger is a form of practice – a practice to see that I am anger, to bow toward the anger, and then to find a way out of the cycle more quickly.

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2 thoughts on “fire lady

  1. Jen,I really appreciate your transparency inyour blog posts. It makes them so easy to relate to. And that fire that builds in anger fueling itself… The idea of life as practice, beautiful. Thanks for leaving me, the reader, in that space.

  2. When do we stop being scared?
    Never.
    How do we bear the fear?
    By knowing it will always return, and that you always get through it.

    thanks for this quote.i so need it.

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