what is it i feel today, this last day of the year?
melancholy – expectations – fear – a calling
all are mixed in together
part of me so eager to go – the mind churning, churning with lists and ideas of what is next, what to start, what to try! ….
and then a rope drops down to some very deep place and I hear a prayer-like voice: be still
this pull between the two is where the discomfort arises
the ongoing ‘problem’ that i now see is unsolvable of how to be a mom-yogi-writer-incomer earner-wife-housekeeper-daughter.
the friction is so intense in that mix, it’s combustible.
another year of trying to be all of this ends
and another chance to try to conceive a different relationship to it all begins.
the unraveling of a knot i tied myself into
a new formation – a new approach – I’m not sure – but my eyes and heart are open.
Today I read: “Walk without a stick into the darkest of woods.” Here I come.